What’s for lunch? In terms of those being utterly consumed by the daily grind. The answer is working moms. As a matter of fact, that goes for breakfast and dinner too. Today’s working moms have been referred to as the “Sandwich Generation” since the term was coined in 1981 by Dorothy Miller as a way to define the struggles of middle-aged individuals, mostly women, who are “sandwiched” between two generations of dependents.  She developed this concept to help social workers and gerontologists recognize the unique challenges and stressors these individuals are facing as they tried to care for children and their own aging parents or in-laws. 

While American culture may not have as much of an emphasis on intergenerational living as other cultures, there is still often an expectation that adult children will bear some degree of caregiving for their parents when the time comes. Often, parents are even asking their children to make a blanket promise not to place them in a care facility long before anyone can understand what this type of a promise may entail. Such agreements can be unfair and a costly, heavy burden in many circumstances. The care needed can be an additional burden when the children are maintaining their own homes, families, and may have varying distances to travel to provide the care needed for their parents to age in place.

Compounding this societal phenomenon even more is the fact that, compared to 1981, more women are working full-time jobs and navigating demanding careers. It is nearly impossible for families with children to subsist on one income alone – Leaving mothers to bear the brunt of the unpaid caregiving and household labor while earning a living and providing additional unpaid caregiving labor to aging loved ones that reside outside of their household. 

Add the rapidly aging baby boomers to the mix, the fact that people are living longer than before, and you may see women who are responsible for their children, their parents, grandparents, and sometimes even grandchildren. This intense amount of pressure and heat they face has caused the term to evolve from a “Sandwich” to a “Panini”. 

A day in the life of a Panini Mom may start very early in the morning as she gets herself ready for the day, makes breakfasts and lunches, prods children along to get them to school on time,  stops by to check in on mom or dad to make sure they are oriented for the day with medications, meals, and sometimes hands on personal care; all before reporting to their own jobs. They may even need to go by and check on their loved one on their lunch break, leaving little time to care for themselves during this “break”. They may need to ask for special accommodations to be able to get kids picked up and/or settled after school. This can sometimes extend their workday. After all of that, they are still responsible for preparing another meal, often for more than one household, they may need to visit mom or dad again, ensuring meds are taken, personal needs are met, and a meal is eaten. Still yet are the evening routines needed to keep kids happy, healthy, and engaged. Panini Moms are often staying up late just to get a little time to themselves to decompress from their day, sacrificing much-needed rest. This is not sustainable or reasonable.

But without these basic daily needs being met, the life of an aging adult can decline quickly and dramatically. It can evolve from just a little bit of help to complete dependence slowly or in a blink. Sometimes older adults are acutely aware of how critical this assistance is, and other times they may be unaware of how dependent they are.

In either case, they may believe it is a responsibility, duty, or expectation that their adult children provide this care. While it is true that everyone deserves to age with dignity and respect, how that happens is a conversation that should be had long before the topic is a ‘right now’ problem, and must account for the needs of the caregiver as well.

What can we do? Here are some practical tips, whether you are the Panini Mom or you are seeing someone else struggle. Every single one of us knows one of these moms.

  • Acknowledge the problem – all of us, as a society, as well as Panini Mom
    • This means taking a step back and looking at the full picture
    • Not downplaying the toll these dual caregiving roles take on an individual or ourselves
    • Setting realistic expectations of others and ourselves
  • Become well-informed and armed with knowledge, either as your own advocate or for someone who needs your support
    • Research. Research. Research. Whether it is learning about the chronic conditions a loved one is facing, identifying resources, or even guidance on how to approach tough conversations, Google and your healthcare provider are excellent sources of valuable information
  • Fight the stigma associated with asking for help. Pride and/or shame are no one’s friend.
    • Capes are for cartoons and comics no need to be Superwoman. We do not need to continue to perpetuate the stereotype that women can do it all without help or complaint
    • Caregiver burnout is very real and can have debilitating consequences
    • The most heroic thing you can do is be your own best advocate- caring for yourself keeps you in the best position to care for others
    • Talk to friends and family who have gone through or are going through this phase of life. Sage wisdom abounds if we open ourselves up to it
  • Identify resources in your area, whether for yourself or someone in need.
    • Area Agencies on Aging
    • In-home care services
    • Respite programs
    • Adult day care programs
    • Senior Living Communities: Understand the differences
      • Retirement Communities
      • Assisted Living Facilities
      • Skilled Care
  • Have the hard conversations. The 40/70 rule is a guideline suggesting that adult children and their parents should start having conversations regarding future plans for aging, healthcare, and finances by the time they are 40 years old, or their parents are 70, whichever comes first. The purpose is to begin these important, often sensitive, discussions before a crisis happens, such as an emergency or health event, to ensure parents’ wishes are documented and set up to be successfully met.  Some examples include:
    • When is driving no longer a safe option?
    • When is staying at home no longer feasible?
    • What will the financial impact of aging be?
    • What does Quality of Life look like?
    • How will responsibilities be distributed between adult children to remain fair and balanced?

So, if you are one of the lucky ones and you have time to get ahead of these discussions and challenges, I strongly urge you to do so. You will not regret it. If you are already a Sandwich or Panini Mom, for your own sake, seek resources now. It only gets harder the longer you delay getting the help you need. Time with your aging loved one is precious, but so is time watching your own children and grandchildren grow. When you have the right type of support in place, you can do it all, and you can do it on your terms. Some adult children want to be caregivers; others want to preserve their role as a daughter and find other ways they can support their aging loved ones. There are so many ways we can support one another if we have open discussions and know our options. In either instance, if you would like more information about navigating life with aging loved ones, I’m only a call or an email away.

Submitted by Gina Hayes – Home Instead